picking at scabs

or maybe more like ripping at scabs with a rusty pin. or at skin. yeah, skin is better, smooth an pink and damageable.

once again i find myself drawn to something terrible for me. my psychologist (how bourgeouis and utterly ridiculous does that sound?!) says he, or rather the relationship, messy and fucked up beyond repair, is like an addiction for me. and it is. i know that it will never work. i know that he will never change. that he is not fixed, that I am not fixed, there is nothing that is going to make the relationship magically work for us all of a sudden.

aaron says its like a sickness, and i just have to realize that when it comes to the relationship, and maybe relationships in general, i have this tendency towards being ill, which i have to keep in mind at all times. that relationship, for both of us, is such a twisted, terrible, broken, dysfunctional thing. So why am i still not so sure that i won't get dragged back down?

hot hot honey

i went out at lunch and it was so hot, i was having evil fantasies of women just toppling off of their stupid, ugly, platform shoes. which, by the way, should be illegal those things are such an assault on the eyes.

this weather makes me feel so bloated and disgusting...like one of those plastic bears filled with honey...billy bears, and that is exactly what this weather makes me into, a life sized, thick, sticky billy bear. minus the cheery plastic smile.

the city reeked of Bangkok on my ride in this morning, which is to say it smells like a million different kinds of garbage, sweating bodies, sewage, rats, and animals all crammed into way too small a space we call downtown t.o. combine that with relentless heat and humidity...

i was reading a study about how on hot, humid days or in hot, humid places like the south, there is a lot more violence...well duh.

well that is about all the rant i have in me right now it is too damn hot. going to sleep under desk now.

amy

dear rock dove

i saw a pigeon happily picking away at a chicken wing the other day. WTF?! I looked it up and pigeons are supposed to eat nuts and seeds and berries and shiz like that. not fucking chicken wings. ewwww. dear rock dove: what are you doing?